Well.... of course, my love life isn't nearly as awesome
as the rest, but I'm going to have to see if I can do something about that.
I'm not sure what yet, but when I get through a few projects, I may have
to take some time to apply the same problem solving techniques I use on
everything else on humans. err... female humans to be specific.
I've never really tried that. I usually am too considerate, and let
other people make a mess of my relationship with them. Well... I'll
have to see what I come up with.
Life is soooooooo amazing.
Seriously. They lied to me what i was little.
I won't calm down, I won't settle, and things will continue to be amazing.
Silly adults. Growing up doesn't mean getting bored!
May 4th. 2008.
Ya, so I turned uhh....8 again yesterday. ok ok,
33 revolutions of the sun. I don't know too many other 33 years olds,
though, who aren't all old and stuff, so I'd rather associate myself with
8 year olds ...or something. ...or wild turkeys. Whoever takes
themselves less seriously. ....and those turkeys can't be very serious
when they run by my house going BLARBL BLARBL BLARBL!!!!
I had breakfast with an close friend who's getting married in a couple days, and has a baby in the oven (not literally an oven. ....in her belly. OK, not literally in her belly! shush!), lunch with an old friend who is doing very well, and I went with a couple friends to a Pagan Potluck. It was great. I've never been much for religeous ceremonies, but they were very chill, didn't take themselves too seriously, and were very nice people who showed no necessity to control others. Participation was voluntary, and it was roughly about thanking the planet for keeping us alive, and about focussing on our own creativity. ....which I'm all for as an alive biological thing. Thanks, planet.
Then there was the potluck part. Excellent food, and cool people with whom to talk. Dashaina was even social. It sort of reminded me of that time in Alaska when I went to an semi-official MENSA meeting with a friend, and she was amazed that I was being so social. They were cool people, though. Not the kind who think they know everything, and not interested in having power over other people. So, ya. Now I was on the opposite side of that watching my friend be unusually social. it was cool.
Happy birthday me.
...and I almost can't wait to get back to my giant robot!
17 Apr 2007
Where Jaimie's come from.....
When I was around 10 my mom started a nasty little habit.
I had only made her cry once in my life to this point, and I felt so bad
that I appologized soooo much. Well, she started picking fights with me
about things. At first she would just find anything to argue with me about,
and I just didn't want to fight with her and she'd end up crying and yelling
at me. I started making sure that I didn't do anything to bother her, so
she started making up things to fight with me about. At first it was only
once a week or so, then it became more, and finally one day she was yelling
at me about something I didn't do, and I kept telling her that I didn't
do it, and maybe I could help, but she just started screaming at me and
crying. Saying things like, "Why do you do this to me, you're so mean."
and of course I started crying once again, and tried to talk to her. She
locked herself in the bathroom, and kept sobbing, and muttering things
about how terrible I was. Finally I just walked away. That was the first
time I did walk away. I went to the window at the front of the house and
rested my head on the glass with tears streaming down my face. I started
thinking about what kind of solution there could be to this, but I came
up with nuthing because it obviously wasn't me that she was actually angry
at. I had been practicing suppressing my emotions at times to deal with
things like my mom, or when I didn't feel motivated to do something, and
my sadness and frustruation got so painful that I just wanted to get away
from it any way I could. Suicide was the obvious choice, but I promised
myself once that I wouldn't ever waste my time thinking about that... and
suddenly, I just stopped. I stopped feeling anything. I picked up my head,
stood straight up, and didn't feel vulnerable, or sad, or anything. I just
let my emotions go, completely. I whiped the tears off my face, and no
more came. I just went to find something productive to do. I became like
a robot. I didn't feel tired, or hot or cold, I just did productive things
all the time. I did things that I knew I would have liked when I used to
feel. I ignored people screaming at me, or threatening me in any way. I
didn't feel again for over 5 years.
This began a period of time where I wasn't in my body most of the time. I kept enough conciousness in my body to perform my daily tasks, but spend most of my energy exploring the Universe.... backwards, I guess. Instead of going outward, I went inside. I always thought that every human contains all the answers to everything inside them. So, I'd go in there.... and whether I was sleeping, working, at school, running, sitting, whatever... I was in a perpetual meditation. People would try to interact with me, but I just wasn't there. I'm not sure how to explain where I was, or what I thought about. there was a black box that I stayed in a lot at the beginning. ...just depreogramming anything I'd ever learned. I spent a lot of time training my mind to do things that I'd been told were impossible. I found that the processing power my emotions used to use was incredible, and allowed me to see and feel things like infinity, and absolute nothing. I found that it was possible to use my subconcious mind as if it were my concious mind. Like... you know how you can think of a few different things in your upper conciousness, and if you keep adding things, it quickly gets filled up? The subconcious mind doesn't really do that. It keeps everything, and can hold infinite amounts of information if you know how the language it uses works. I spent all my time in this state. It seemed like I never really fell into a deep sleep. Like I was always aware. I made sure that I ate, and exercised, and did all the things I would need to maintain a healthy body. I began seeing infiniteness as something small... and different levels of infiniteness kept becoming more clear. Each level made the last seem like nothing.
One day when I was 15, I was in the back seat of a car.... looking out the window. This is one of the few moments in my life I remember so vividly. I was still in my state of meditation. My infinity view had been expanding at a geometric rate, and suddenly I could see and feel everything in the universe at once. I'm guessing some cultures would call this enlightenment. It was a feeling completely different than enything I'd ever felt before. No emotion was anywhere near it, and no thought or physical feeling was anything like it. Anyway... the other thing about it was that it was the end. The end of thinking. I hadn't even considred that it might be possible, but in that instant, I reached a finish line where there was nowhere else to go. It was like running a race that supposedly went on forever, and suddenly without warning, there's the finish line, and thats it.
So... after that, everything I'd devoted all my conentration
to was finished, and I came back to earth to find myself sitting in the
back seat of a car staring out the window. This is the point where 1st
Jaimie was solidified. He had no more growing to do, and nothing more to
learn. I decided to look around at what was going on with my earthly body,
and after observing for a while, I decided that I'd try being a human.
All the humen stuff had no meaning to 1st Jaimie, so I decided to create
a 2nd personality. I went into my brain and restarted human developement
so that I could create another naturally occurring personality that could
eventually take on a life of its own. So... to make a long story short,
2nd Jaimie was born, and had no clue what the hell was going one. Slowly,
though, he began to take over a little. At first, he could only immitate
emotional reactions, but after about 2 years began to feel good and bad.
I found that 2nd Jaimie was developing emotionally at the rate a newborn
human was. ....and it was kinda cool to see from the perspective of someone
who would remember. So... 1st Jaimie hangs out as a little spot out in
the Universe, or everywhere in the universe, or... well, he's kind of intangible.
He helps 2nd Jaimie sometimes. Sometimes he makes life very difficult to
2nd Jaimie. He kind of oversee's things and makes sure that 2nd Jaimie
doesn't go the same path 1st Jaimie did. 2nd Jaimie is the emotional one.
he cares, and is happy and sad... and is here to experience life. 1st Jaimie
know's far too much to be happy or sad, and 2nd Jaimie knows this. So...
when I talk about myself, sometimes there are little inconsistencies. 2nd
Jaimie wants to experience the happiness and pain of the world, and even
make mistakes and things like that. Meanwhile 1st Jaimie is always there...
seeing exactly what is going on, and can pull 2nd Jaimie's butt out of
the fire if he gets in too deep. So... basically, I'm 2nd Jaimie. I'm this
guy who has this other person watching over me. I can use him as a resource.
He helps me with some really amazing things like building robots, and figuring
things out, and every now and then he slips me a little knowledge that
I really shouldn't know. ...but he's always careful not to give too much.
Too much information erases meaning. Well, thats that whole story.
2:56 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit -
07 Apr 2007
You fuckers won't bring me down. (abridged version)
Current mood: determined
You fuckers won't bring me down.
You fuckers won't bring me down.
You fuckers won't bring me down.
You fuckers won't bring me down.
You fuckers won't bring me down.
You fuckers won't bring me down.
You fuckers won't bring me down.
You fuckers won't bring me down.
10:53 PM - 3 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit -
To the people of the world...
Where is your reality!?
Where is your drive?
When you lie down to die will you be happy with your life?
Does the world control you, or do you control your world!?
Is it worth it to not cause a scene!???
Is being accepted worth the mediocrity that follows!??
Is being accepting worth anything???
You can be what you desire. Why choose to follow others when you can define your own path?
Do you think that the first person to define a path left the good stuff just lying there for YOU to pick up?
NO! The best stuff in the world is in the unknown, the unexplored. It is on the path that has not yet been taken.
You can be what you wish. You can bring fantastic things into reality and make the world a better more interesting place.
What ever you are doing is what you choose!!!!! Yes, you are choosing the life you live. It defines you. You are the person who would choose your life.
Who do you want to be? What life do you want to live?
4:33 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit -
05 Apr 2007
Why else I love being a Jaimie!!!!
Yesterday I went running. I decided to do some fast and slow stuff around this 4+ mile loop. About halfway I came across one of those roadside temporary signs that has a radar in it and flashes your speed at you as you go by. I decided to do one of my sprints on the road right by it. 17mph, 18mph,19 mph, 18, 19.... 18,17,16,15,14.....
Alright. THATS IT! Change of workout! I'm giving myself 4 more chaces to get that thing to say friggin 20!
I had run the first pretty much flat out. I had only been running distance, so I knew speed was tough. ...but I just had to figure out how to be more efficient....
#2. on the 2nd one, I tried to get more leg extension... and drive with my knees... 18....19....18,19.... DAMN!
#3 Ok, more leg extension... snap down with my legs to use the springiness of tendons, gradually accelerate into it.... 16... 17....18..... 19............ CRAP!!!!!
#4 OK... getting really tired now.... ok.... maybe start a little closer since I'm getting whiped out. Get up to speed and gradually try to extend more, drive knees, quick legs.... 16... 17... 18.... 19.... 18... 19.... urgh.... Crap, I might not do it!
On the walk back after that one, I started remembering this specific track workout. It was in college, and it was a grueling 200m 10x with 30 seconds rest in between. The grueling part was that they were FAST! I was remembering one point toward the end of the workout. There were about 10 seconds or rest left before I had to run full speed again... I was on the ground screaming at the top of my lungs trying to stand. (Those of you who've seen my training know this is fairly common for me.) Yes, actually screaming. My legs weren't working. I didn't have enough feeling in them to just get them to work, but I wasn't about to give up. Seconds ticked by like minutes as I rearranged everything I could inside myself. I was pulling out my adrenaline, and using all the anger and determination and desperation I could find to open my eyes, see straight, and get up. My screaming ended with a RRRRAAAAAAA..... as I got to my feet. I walked to the start line almost falling over once.... just in time to start the next 200m, and with my body about to take off full force.... I snapped back to where I was.
Walking down the sidewalk... to the start of #5. Unblinking, and unwavering...
#5 Without thinking, I took off as fast as I could. Nothing held back to gradually accellerate, no thoughts about runnings form. The last couple runs with improved form should hold just fine. So, flat out I raced. 17.... 18.... 19....... 19..... 20.....
I rested with my hands on my knees for a minute.... then
ran home with a big honkin' grin on my face.
9:19 PM - 0 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit -
Why I love being a Jaimie....
The other day I was biking to the beach. Its about a 20 something mile ride. About 1/3 of the way there, I saw this guy way ahead on his bike, and immediately though, "I should catch him!". He was going pretty quick, but I was going quicker. Then he went through a yellow light. Ya, I didn't make it. I watched him cruise away for several minutes that seemed like forever! FINALLY I got my green light, and hit it. I couldn't see the guy anymore..... and for a second though, I might not catch him. Then I thought... well he might not get away... he's wearing pants, and might get hot.... and he might not be biking that hard, but he looked like he was.... then I came to my senses, and thought... "He won't get away because he's not ME!!!!!!"
Needless to say, he was soon in my wake.
9:12 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit -
27 Mar 2007
Lesson in evolution
Current mood: bouncy
A human organism is an incredibly complex creature. There are millions of characteristics that work together in very specific ways to make a healthy human. Tiny divergences in that leave you with crappy humans. Each generation is a slight mutation of the previous generation. Many mutations will lead to either no improvement in the human race or a degradation. Only a few changes will result in an improvement.
Every generation that a negative mutation results in offspring compounds those negative characteristics. Whatever that characteristic is that is not considered necessary to procreate begins to diverge at an increasing rate.
As an example, take eyesight. Eyesight is generally not considered important in our current society, and in fact many people get angry at the thought of someone not choosing a pertner because of his/her bad eyesight. People are becoming more and more blind. It seems that the majority of people have bad eyesight now. Every generation produces even more blind people.
This concept works with genetic disease, fatness, stupidity (no, I don't expect any stupid people to understand this. ....just go ahead and keep popping out welfare babies that the rest of us have to support. yippee). Sorry, got off on a tangent there. The entire concept works with just about everything that makes a person who they are.
It may seem insensitive to reject a potential mate based on a genetic imperfection, however, in some people's opinioin it is far more desireable than condemning a future generation to lives of pain, diffiulty, and unhappiness.
On a personal note, I feel that it is very disappointing
how few people take the future into consideration when making daily choices.
2:05 PM - 3 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit -
16 Mar 2007
Jaimie in a strange land.
I bang my head against the wall. Blornk Blornk Blornk.
I am defeated and fall face first in the sand. Full steam ahead! underground! chuga chuga chuga....
into the darkness goes Jaimie. He does not know what awaits him on his impossible journey. He just powers ahead straight down. chuga chuga chuga...
The ground changes and becomes harder to navigate. The pressure from above becomes dangerous. Jaimie is scared trapped and alone. Which direction is which? They all look the same. Full steam ahead! Chuga chuga chuga...
Jaimie thinks he may die soon. It is a somewhat calming realization. Nothing left to concern him but full speed ahead! Chuga chuga chuga...
Jaimie isn't dying. He is changing. Somehow in this darkness there is a nother world, and Jaimie becomes part of it. Chuga chuga chuga...
Jaimie learns his way around, and find a way of life. He enjoys nothing more than full speed into the rock! Chuga chuga chuga...
One day there is a piercing sensation. Some ancient sign from another world. It is coming from an unknown path. Jaimie's favourite!!!! Chuga chuga chuga...
The path is long and the piercing sensation becomes a blinding light. It hurts to face it. Full steam ahead! Chuga chuga chuga...
Suddenly with a pop there is no feeling. Everything is light and airy. There is a substance filling everything that hurts Jaimie's eyes. Jaimie squints, and sees blurry creatures moving around... making noises. he reaches out to one of them to see if it is real...
He feels a sharp pain on his cheek, and hears, "let go
of my tit, you perve!"
9:34 PM - 2 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit -
27 Feb 2007
I've recently concluded that our current culture lacks sincerity. I suppose the ease of life makes sincerity obsolete. Who cares about being soncere when there are no consequences?
I think there are consequences. ...they just aren't immediate ones. ...at least not to the insincere person. The consequences may well be very immediate to others.
Either way, the consequences seem to be mediocrity. With no sincerity, no strong connections can be made between people. Without sincerity, dreams drift away.
"I meant it at the time" is not soncerity. True sincerity lasts. it is possible to make a decision that will stick... to find a way of being that is good. It is a commitment that few now will make.
Perhaps I am a hopeless romantic. Perhaps I am holding
on to something that is obsolete and will never be needed again.
I still think its worth keeping. Without it, my life is pointless.
12 Feb 2007
The screaming inside me.
There's a screaming monster inside me. he sometimes is very far away. Sometimes he almost disappears.... then I remember how strong he is. He's strong enough to destroy me. He screams unendingly..... making the world rumble and warping time. I can only let him come to the surface when I've been training very hard for a long time and have gained enough strength to handle him. I also can only let him come to the surface when no one is near me. ...so I don't accidentally hurt someone.
I remember once a few years ago I was at a track practice... and I'd been letting him come to the surface more and more... He comes up, and over-rides all sense of restraint and all sense of self preservation. He lets me do things I can't normally do. ...he gives me energy and undying motivation. One day at track practice I let him come out a lot. His screaming drowned out the world... and made it rumble. I maintained enough conciousness to be able to read my watch.... and I ran very fast times. I remember a 35 second 300m.... which is decent for a race, and really great in the middle of a tough interval workout. At the end of the workout I was fully powered up. ...with an unblinking focussed rage. ....and wasn't calming down. I knew logically that I had to relax, but my body mind and spirit were fully committed to maintaining absolute full power until passing out or death.
After what seemed like a long time, but I'm sure was only a few seconds, I shut everything down with this emergency sort of emotional reset. I had 2 paths before me at that point. I could let the screaming monster out more and more, and possibly lose control of myself, or tuck him away a little, and use my upper level conciousness to take care of things.
Well, I played it safe and got myself under control. I sometimes wonder how things would go if I really let him loose. I've been running a lot, and I'm getting to the point where he's starting to bubble up to the surface a little. I'm not physically strong enough to let him take much control yet without getting injured, but soon I will be. I think I might just let him have some fun. The only problem is that I end up a little out of control. ...but with loads of energy, and incredible co-ordination and strength. (no, not like the hulk. .....but kinda like that, I guess.... without the being green and no superhuman strength). Well, I've been in control of myself... being very careful not to screw up in life, and its not really getting me anywhere spectacular lately, so.... time for a switch.
I may not be recognizeable in a few months..... but its
still me, and I'm all still in here. Well.... all this is contingent
on a lot of ifs. so... might not even happen.
I think it was funny that day at track practice.... one
of my teammates who I talked with about energy and powering up and things
like that saw me, and asked what the hell was going on. ....I looked
like I was gonna explode. It pretty much felt like exploding too.
So... the screaming monster is in here.... kind of locked
in a steel sound proof cage. I can see him screaming. The cage
is shaking voilently... and time doesn't look quite right. he's cool.
...and he never takes a breath!
7:56 PM - 3 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit -
28 Jan 2007
...just got a nasty phone message from a bitter
So... I went to hang out with this girl last night. ...for the first time. We walked around a little, told stupid jokes, got some taco's, watched a movie. Now... because she bailed on dinner, we got together at 10pm so by the time I was leaving, it was 2 something am. She asked if I was ok to drive home. (being as obvious as possible that I could stay there). Having just met the girl, I said that I was fine to drive home. So, I left and a minute later I got a call from her. She said, "You know you can stay over, right?"
I'm like... uh... I guess. So, she starts with the 3rd degree about why I'm staying over. Thankfully, she let it go after a few minutes. I was a little wary about that, but whatever.
So... its the next day, I just got a phone message from her stating that I had been very inconsiderate and disrespectful while at the taco place. ...and to top it off... she said I was kind of a total jackass.
So I'm here thinking, Why would this girl want a total jackass to stay over in her tiny apartment with only one concievable sleeping space? Either I'm a jackass and she is a total skanky ho, or.... she is just a normal ho who happens to be pissed off that I didn't want to have sex with her the first time we met. ...which is pretty skanky and like a big baby.
Nice, way to give guys a good impression of the female
5:37 PM - 6 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit -
25 Jan 2007
Anger or happiness.
It seems that I am constantly on the verge of completely disconnecting from the human race lately. I did so once, and it lasted roughly a decade. I think the only thing that keeps me in is the possibility of children. Yep, I want kids.
It seems like such a far off dream. Like... winning the lottary. Ya, I could suddenly find a girl to fall in love with.... or with whom to fall in love, but it seems like its about as likely as winning the lottary. I don't play the lottary, why should I be wasting time with any other fruitless ventures. Maybe it will work out better if I give 0 effort. ...forget about it.
Maybe I should go back to putting my energies into being the best me I can be and see what happens. Maybe i should take my dark side and let it suck me in for a while.
11:49 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit -
18 Jan 2007
All I want to do...
...is build a giant robot. It isn't often than I come across a project that completely over-rides my constant thinking about girls, but... sorry girls, all i want to do in the next 6 months is build a giant robot.
12:29 AM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit -
So, I'm in Hoboken at the moment. I've been in the New York city area for a few days now. It seems that the longer it is since last time I've been here, the more rediculous I think it is. There are 10 million people scrambling for little tiny scraps of space. They all want the piece right in the middle, though. its like in kindergarten when we used to play king of the mountain with 30 kids climbing on top of eachother trying to get to the top of a little hill. I'm clearly missing something because I want nothing more than to get away from that center.
Many parts of the planet have desireable features, and for as long as creatures have exsted, they're flocked to the fresh water, the temperate climates, shelters, food sources, the sweetest swimming holes, but in the city it seems that this idea of desireable features has been perverted. ...perhaps mutated. There is nothing on Manhattan island except the people who flock there. ...and of course what they bring with them. I guess thats what it is. People want to be where other people's stuff is. Well, some people. The more people use the land, though, the more desolate it becomes. Waste is shipped away, food is shipped in, rats are the most abundant creatures, ground water is being depleted. Even water is being shipped in to an increasing dagree. I wonder if there is something more to it, or if people are here just because other people are. ...if there is any reason other than the competition to be the most NYC person out there.
Not long ago my brother said that he mentioned me to one of his female friends. She said she wouldn't be interested in my because she needs a city person. I kept wondering why anyone would want a sterotype. ....an image. Why wouldn't a person be interested in finding a actual person rather than a label? ...unless of course it is simply easy. It is easy to fall into a sterotype, to live your life by catch phrases and TV lines. When a person becomes that, perhaps they only want to interact with other such people to avoid introspection.
...or maybe I'm missing something.
12:10 AM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit -
19 Dec 2006
Current mood: dirty
Trambampolines are fun! ...and make people hap hap HAPPY!!! Like even if you want to be bummed, once you start bouncing, there's no stopping it! Its been scientologically proven in fact that trambampoline bounces affect body chemistry by disintegrating and reordering hypothalamus fluids to erase negative Ki and convert into positive Ki. In earlier studies it was believed that the negative Ki was simply bounced out through the bottom of the trampoline since it was too heavy to keep up with the bounces. This was inconsistent with results, however. In reality there was twice the amount of happy Ki present compared to theoretical hypothesis. It has since been discovered that the negative Ki is in fact transformed into positive smiles. Thus converting an enemy into a friend.... the most successful ancient way of waggin war, and resolving conflict.
11:33 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit -
05 Dec 2006
One more thing....
Current mood: thirsty
Stop pretending you know everything!!!!
Relax, and shut up, and think... or smile. How's
that? ...fuckers. Yep, you made me swear. Way to go.
11:28 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit -
Dear girl who...
"Hates it when people cut down trees.":
Stop buying their tree products, stoopud.
11:25 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit -
04 Dec 2006
Current mood: drunk
I had something to say.... but having a brain the size of a planet, I already know what everyones reaction to it will be, and know the subsequent reactions to the following set of responses.
I'm just going to save time and pretend.....
6:52 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit -
I'm in Canada again. Its been years. I've
had nightmares about this over the past 6 years. In my dreams I'd
be hanging out in Canada and suddenly realize that, due to my US immigration
status, I will be exiled from the US for 10 years. ...unless I cana
manage to sneak back across the border undetected. ...and presumming
there's no record of my crossing the border into Canada. Then I'd
try to remember how I'd gotten to Canada, and realizing I have no idea
how i got there, I'd wake up. Anyway, now I'm here and I DO in fact
have a greencard so I will be able to return to my home in Vermont.
I've been fairly passively enjoying my stay here so far. The humans seem much less fat, and are more courteous. It seems that in the US courtesy isn't a consideration. So far it seems that these Canadians are more tollerable for Jaimie. I'll probably have to avoid talking about my disdain for socialist programs.
I was watching a TV show, and in Venezuela they made a hydro power plant that flooded a big area and all these animals got trapped on islands. There's an island that has all these monkeys trapped on it. They're overcrowded and have become anti-social... they don't groom eachother anymore and they fight a lot. The young monkeys stopped playing. Oh, and they're howler monkeys and they don't even howl anymore! It sounds to me exactly like humans in a city.
Here I am at a crossroads of sorts. I have a very
good friend. ...and with this friend I do projects of various sizes.
I am very likely about to begin, with her, 2 new projects. One involves
a commitment to an incredible amount of work in the near future and a somewhat
extended attachment to the project. The other is a very long term
commitment. Both of these projects are things I want to do.
At this point in time I would be fairly overwhelmed with either.
Like Otis say, "...when it comes, you gotta grab hold with both hands and
hang on TIGHT!" It looks like I will be doing so. I have often
set lofty goals for myself with an all or nothing attitude. The more
immediate project is to build a house. ...before winter. Well,
at least get the shell up by winter. This will be a big house.
...a duplex as a matter of fact. I do have friends who can help with
this project, but they are all in "the city" wasting away behind desks.
The only times I hear from them is when they call to ask what happened
to them.... where did their motivation go?
So here I am. Contractors make me want to throw up, so I will likely be building a house on my own. I do love the work.... just not the rush. New saws, new drill, new tools. I do love that aspect of the work. One other issue. Of all the projects this friend and I have done none have yet produced any financial reward. This might not be a problem except that some of the projects have been specifically financially motivated. That is not to say that they will not bring financial rewards. I am in fact in a house right now that we renovated. It is on the market and we just fired our lazy real estate agent so I'm here to sell it myself. It would have been so much easier if she just did her job! Well, I'm off to finish making the "For sale" signs.
I think its sort of funny that my last entry in here started
with a complaint about negative people on "myspace". A while ago
I deleted my account on there. So.... I'm officially less internet
"hip", and unofficially more happy and all that. I've actually deleted
all accounts I had on any websites. Well, not my OWN website, but
thats different. Its not here to make anyone feel crappy, or to be
crapped on by anyone. Its just here for no good reason other than
being a place for me to record little pieces of the world.
I'm currently uploading a bog honking update to the "Adventures" page. I spent the summer in Alaska with my good friend Kimberly. She's great, and now its in print so she never has to doubt it. So.... to Kimberly, any time you're feeling down about yourself at all, you can check here and see that you're a super person. Hmm. Maybe I can convince someone to say I'm super too. Well, anyway, we had tons of fun and there are lots of pictures from Alaska in the Adventures section so go check 'em out if you want.
I'm also thinking that I should have a bulletin board. You know, a place where people can leave messages and stuff. I've never had one of those but I might try it out and see if the wide world has anything nice to say. Actually, now that I've typed it.... I think its more than enough to have my e-mail address on the site. If someone has something to say, they can send me a message. Thats easy enough. The only real reason to have such messages posted on the website would be for people to grab for attention. Well, I'm glad I really thought about that. Maybe I'll change my mind, but for the moment, no bulletin boards.
Well, I've been running and training a lot. Its for something secret and really tough. OK, its to try out for a professional sport. Today I heard something in the news about a professional athlete ODing on drugs. I guess that sort of thing is a pretty big deterrent for me to get involved with such things. I stopped dreaming about the olympics when it turned into a giant commercial where the athletes who did the most work didn't get paid but everyone else did. By the time i got good enough at running to start talking about olympic trials, I didn't really care much. So.... the same thing may happen with this current endeavor. I may not get good enough, I may wish to stay away from the politics of it, or maybe it'll all work out great. At the moment I'm very happy being strong and healthy, and getting stronger. Its great having a goal to focus on.
My book may be on its way to being published too. I don't want to say too much, but that would be really great!
-Here's a Jaimie Philosophical insight that everyone should know
In North American culture conformity training starts very early. 5 year olds are told to colour between the lines. It is an arbitrary place where these lines are drawn. If they were drawn in other places, the picture doesn't cease to exist, it just becomes a picture of something else. What lines you choose to stay between are up to you. It may feel safe to stay between other peoples lines, but don't forget to draw your own picture once in a while.
sick.... and negative profiles on myspace...
SO... I'm sick. ugh. ...and in an attempt to rest, I'm sitting on my bum bum checking out other people's "spaces". I'm finding that a lot of people take cheap shots at anyone reading their profile. With most of the onees I just wasted 30 minutes looking at, I left them not remembering anything about their appearance or interests... just that they were very ugly seeming people that left a film of bad tasting chi on my computer.
I know what their response to this is... about how I should grow up and not be such a wuss. I find that sort of thinking equally crap. Can't people just get over their insecurities? Is it really so difficult to just relax and forget about all the posing? Being nice really does make the world a better place.
A few nice deeds recieved can very quickly add up to a great mood.... and a few bad deeds can just as easily turn into a bad mood, and a negative view of ones human environment.
I understand that their is an entire culture based around being the most dominant person in a situation. It doesn't make sense when its all talk... and much of it negative. Putting someone down does not make them lower than you unless they allow it. The truly strong people in the world have no need to put anyone down needlessly.
At the risk of being hypocritical... damn, you suck.
Sorry.... I'm sure if I wasn't sick, I could have found
a more positive wasy to throw that out there.
WOrking in Burlongton, VT.
Yep... I've got a week and a half to replace floors in 3 rooms, repair walls, and paint 5 rooms, replace kitchen cabinets and counter... uhh.... and a bunch of little stuff. So far I've ripped everything out that is being replaced, and have gotten up to halfway done the painting. Its only been 2 days. I'm hella sleepy now. I think I can do the rest within a week. I can't wait to go home! I love home. There may be no one waiting for me.... in fact not many people have probably noticed my absences... but I really just love my home.
holey crap, I'm going to sleep.
rough week.... at least physically.
OK... so I bruised a rib or something during a soccer game, then agravated it running with a weight vest of for an hour the next day.... THEN smashed it when I was prying something with a pick-axe and slipped. Damnit! After that one I could hardly breath. ...don't even ask why I pry things with a pick axe... I just was!
OK... I also strained my right calf after doing a running workout then playing another soccer game... and not drinking enough water. I'm saying strained because I don't want to admit anything worse! augh! I hope its ok soon.
So I'm limping around moving boulders... (ya, don't ask), then I roll a giant rock right over a stupid hornets nest. If I saw it, I could have just stopped and left the rock right ontop of them, but nooo... I don't realize there's a hornets nest there until one of the little buggers stinks me. augh! Little a-hole. I've already declared war on all stinging bugs. What the hell else do they want? So... tonight, I'm going to find the biggest rock I don't need, and I'm going to drop it right on their little pecker stupid shit eating faces! Lets see them push a 400lbs boulder off their house in the morning!
Oh.. did I mention that I smashed my knee on something too. Someone needs to lock my up before I kill myself.
OK. I think thats it. ...I think.
Someone recently asked me about past lives, and if I believed in such a thing... he liked the answer, and thought I should post it here. sooo.... (sorry I didn't edit it into a weblog format...)
Past lives? I dunno. Sure. I don't actually "believe" anything. You can take that statement literally too. I don't believe that the ground under me will be there in the next second. I don't take anything for granted. There could be past lives, there may not be... the answer can change based on your perspective. It could be enough that the past lives exist in our minds... because things there still exist. It could be that we have souls that just from one creature to another.
Personally, I see the Universe as this one thing. Everything is connected. It sort of makes things like belief irrelevant. Things just are, and thats it. For instance... people like to feel that they have freedom. To many people that means that in the future, there are several different choices that they may make. Really, though... a person will make the choice they are going to make. There's no way around it. No matter how hard you try, or what you do, you will always make the choice that you're going to make.
For some people that is a demoralizing thought. It inspires
me, though. Realizing that I'm going to make a choice, and everything is
connected, the choices I make define much of who I am. I don't want to
be a shitty person, so I do my best to make good choices. If I think that
way, then I'll be a good person, and all the choices I make along the way
(including the choice to be this way) will be ones I'm happy with. Its
sort of a paradox... but we have a certain type of awareness where we can
focus on a little piece of the loop, and feel we can change things. Shit.
Thats hard to explain.
So, things are good... maybe even great.... but....
Ya, there seems to be a "but" at the end of everything lately. Damnit! I hate that. Somehow, I've gone astray in the world, and although I am very happy with myself, I am not happy with those around me. I don't talk to anyone because I'm always disappointed by them. I've been trying to get around this fact somehow, but its undeniable. Perhaps I should move to another country, or just stop being so polite. I'll end up insulting people all over the place, though.... and they're not bad people so I don't want to make them feel bad, but... I don't have anything nice to say to many people.
I don't have much bad to say either... but I know that people will take much of what I have to say negatively because of their insecurities. Well, maybe I'll spice the world up a bit and start giving it the Jaimie treatment. I'm sure I won't make many friends, but its not like its any different now. People like me, but... I wouldn't say I have much in the way of real friends, so... who cares if people stop liking me.
I know there is an answer to this world. I just
have to find it.
Jaimie has returned to a simple life. He mostly stays up on his mountain, and works hard all day, goes swimming and running, thinks, dreams, and eats. So.... if anyone is wondering why Jaimie isn't online much.... he's just busy in the woods playing with himself.
Why Jaimie is so crazy lately
Jaimie is losing a friend. he only has a few colse
friends (probably because he's wierd and talks in the 3rd person sometimes).
This friend is not being nice to Jaimie, and is being nice to stupid people.
She is under no obligation to do anything for Jaimie or to be nice to him
or to be his friend. It just makes Jaimie sad when a friend chooses
to not be one anymore. ...and its frustruating when said person is
irrational and does unfriendly things then gets angry and claims that Jaimie
is the one throwing the friendship away becasue he says something about
not being friends anymore. Jaimie was just trying make sure everyone
knows the consequences of their actions.... and was trying to disuade the
unfriendly behaviour. It seems to be a total loss at this point in
Jaimie is torn. He can gain strength and happiness
from himself, but then he shuts off the rest of society. He seems
to think that human interaction can result in something better than what
he can make happen in the world on his own. It hasn't worked out
that way yet, though.
AAAAAAAAAAAA(pulling out hair)AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
OK. now that thats all ou.... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
aww... feuf. I think thats i... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Holey crap, man. I am just on the wrong planet.
I want a hug. ...a big hug. I want to snuggle
all night, and just have someone there to press against my cold heart.
I want a big jug of warm liquid goo poured into my chest, and I don't want
to pay for it.... not now, and not later. I want my returned hug
to be enough. Is that really such a difficult thing?
Monday, August 01, 2005
Ok, in a nutshell... I'm horny. Of course, in this state of hormonal and spiritual hysteria, there's pretty much no way I'll be able to formulate a decent conversation even if I AM facing a girl that I'd want to... you know.
See? I can't even make a coherent sentence.
damn. Jaimie needs a girl. ...or a huge beating.
Saturday, July 30, 2005
Almost everyone I've met is just barely conscious. Most go around floating through life as if they're on an amusement ride that shuffles them like cows into each new corral completely unaware of.... anything.
There are a few here and there that are aware of what is going on, and can talk about it from a 3rd person perspective, and even concieve of something different, but are still simply going along with all the rest of the fluff.
Some are very nice people, some are very mean people... and they range all inbetween, but none of that matters much. They're all still doing the same thing.
Perhaps I am an anomoly in the world. Perhaps I am in a great big illusion. Perhaps I am insane, and maybe its just how the world works.
There must be a human on this planet at this time who is aware of things beyond their superficial world.... beyond the silly stories people make up to feel better about how the universe is guiding them... It is difficult to find such a person because they cannot simply be asked. Most of the cows think that they understand things. Whether they've been told so by a preacher or minister... or by some book. Understanding can only come from within.
There must be an individual on this planet. ...and
I know that I am blinded from finding out for the unacceptable possibility
that there is not.
Sunday, May 15, 2005
In an unprecedented maneuver, I shall make 2 entries on the same day. I wanted to write down something about a training method I've used in the past with great success, and am currently using at the moment. Its the 1% method. Well, thats what I call it. I usually use it for distance running, but it can be used in other things. Anyway, here's the deal.
On long runs, start the run at a super comfortable pace. Lets call this absolute comfort. This should be a pace that you feel you can continue pretty much indefinitely. Once you find this pace, increase your effort by 1%. That is a tiny little bity sliver of an increse. It will be difficult at first to have this fine tuned control, but stick with it. Then do all long runs at this 1% pace. (Well, you can sprint the last quarter mile like me or do whatever silly things float your boat). Running at this 1% above absolute comfort pace allows your body to bring its comfort level up gradually. The pace will continue to increase in speed, but will always remain comfortable. That way, one avoids the dreaded plateau that happens when injuries, and mental and physical fatigue just start taking a toll on performance. Because you are able to relax, and allow your body to gradually increase performance, there is little mental strain, and injuries are avoided. It gives your mind a chance to focus on things like running smoothly, and being more efficient.
In a nutshell, you'll be starting behind everyone else, but be patient, because when you reach their level, they'll be making little progress, and your performance will be increasing steadily making everyone say... "Oh, my gosh... he/she just came out of nowhere and started running these amazing times. heh heh. its pretty cool.
This of course was only one aspect of the party. I did have quite a bit of fun playing frisbee, eating BBQ stuff and meeting a few interesting people.
I think I'm in the wrong time and place for a person of
my personality and skills. I need adventure. ...the kind where no one knows
whats coming. ...where things are difficult at times, easy at others, fun,
...or the human side of me feels like its dying.
If only I could find a group of humans who felt the same about the world. ...whose world includes things well beyond sight or otherwise standard sensory detection.
I want to be successful in life, however most of the options pushed upon me are things I consider wastes of life.
I guess I feel fairly successful in what I am doing now. Ok, I feel like its going very well, and I'm doing some unprecedented things.
It would be nice to have allies. ...even one. Someone who like me, doesn't base their moral feelings and thinking in general on popular culture.
Many people claim not to do so, however claiming and doing are for the masses as separate as Grover when he says Neeear.... faaaaar....
I guess the point of what I'm saying is that being around lots of people at a party last night left me feeling very lonely.
a Jaimie Philosophical insight that everyone should know
hmmm. What to say today... Don't forget to stretch. It makes moving easier, and keeps your muscles loose so they don't restrict bloodflow.
Wednesday, June 16th, 2004:
-This is my first entry from my new home... I'm at home... in my dome right now. My computer has a battery for once, so I don't have to go to the pain-in-th-butt procedure of plugging it in to my limited power supply (don't worry, it won't be so limited for long... I'm working on other things right now though... although I did get a big new solar panel! :-) I just got it, haven't even put it in the sun yet... It was barterred to me for a river generator. Ohhh, man... I wish I had a more significant waterflow on my land. I'd be powering everything off it. oh great, now I'm slobbering. mmmm, hydro-electric power... ) OK, so back to things. I have a softball game tonight. I joined a league out here after hearing some guys talk about it at the post office, and sticking my nose in and saying... "Can I play?" In a nutshell, e-mails were exchanged, and in a few weeks, 1st practice. Now we're on our 4th game. 1 loss, 1 win, 1 rain out... and whatever happens today. I've been having a tough time hitting. Last game I did a little better, I got a homerun. That was cool. :-) I hope to soon get back into it how I used to be when I played a lot of baseball.... and hit homeruns all the time. heh heh. I just need some practice, and some confidence... and this annoying knot in my shoulder to quit being such a pansy. It is kinda wierd hitting those pitches. Its slow-pitch. So the guys lobs the ball in, and you have to sit there waiting.... and waiting.... for the ball to finally get to the plate. I'm getting used to it, but it'll never be as cool as a good fastball. :-)
OH, and today I'll be putting floorboards on the 2nd floor. Its all complete except the floorboards... and a few support thingy's. I'm actually getting kinda good at making boards out of a tree with just an axe. :-) Basically, its a lot easier to split certain types of wood 'cuz they split straight. So, I've been using Oak trees. I have lots of those. I cut a log roughly 8 or 9ft (3m) long. Then I take and axe and whack it into the end... right through the middle. That usually cracks the log, and splits it almost halfway through the entire length. Cool, eh!? Its pretty straight too... as long as ya pick a tree with straight bark lines. They indicate the grain of the wood. (as opposed to coiling up the tree). Anyway, they its just a matter of finishing the split with another axe, and depending on the stubborness of the log, maybe some wedges and a big hammer. So, its pretty easy to make the 1st split... and each of those is pretty easy to split in half. Splitting the quarters sometimes gets a little tricky, and splitting the 8ths usually takes a little negotiating with the split line to get is down the middle. Its really not too tough though. Before I knew anything, I was trying to do this with black cherry. Sheesh, that stuff won't split straight at all!
|OK, so once I have 16 (+ or - a few since I sometimes
get a few extras out of fat pieces), I turn the triangular cross-section
into roughly rectangular. I do that by taking the sides off the pizza,
and a little off the pointy end (middle of the pizza). OK, sounds
tough to get it off evenly for an entire 8ft long piece, but its not that
bad. I make a light chop into the side of the wood that
goes through the part I want to remove, then I make a whole bunch of those
along the whole length. Then its a piece of cake to slice them all
off with a few swipes of the axe. Neat, eh? Hmmm, maybe I better
draw a picture. Argh... ok, it'll be cool if I do. Hold on.....
There! Get it? Its obviously not to scale, but the self portrait is pretty recognizeable.... ain't it? :-P Hmmm. Anyway, thats how I'm making my floorboards. As you may have guessed, its kinda rough, but I like it so there! I could probably sand it when its finished, but i don't think I will. Its pretty cool how it is.
a Jaimie Philosophical insight that everyone should know
-Attitude is really really important... in doing just about anything. Keeping a nice and cheesy "can-do" attitude makes it possible to breeze through things that negative people think are impossible. Not many things in this universe are impossible. Many are improbable, but only a few are impossible. So, when you're being bogged down by the world around you, just think... Hey, I'm charmed, everything will work out... now lets see how I can be productive. Many people in our society seem to think that if you aren't stressed out all the time that you aren't doing any work. Well, maybe not. Maybe the relaxed people are playing, and having loads of fun, but ya know what? People who make their day fun get a lot more done than people who spend all their time worrying. So, you go out there and tell those negative humans to stop wasting all their energy on useless things like internal stress and frustruation, and start living life in a worthwhile way. Oh, and if you can't remember how to keep your positive motivation up around some people, just do what I do... think, "I'd rather die than live badly." ...and next to death, all the little problems seem insignificant. :-)
Monday, Jan 26th, 2004:
-OK, so its been a while. I've seriously neglected my log. Hmmm, not THAT log! ha ha. That one is just fine. uhhhhh, ya. Anyway.... Lots has happened since my last entry. Cheak out the new stuff in my adventures section to see how things are going in my new home. Yep... MY home! MINE MINE MINE! :-) I bought a mountain in Vermont. Now I have a place where I can do whatever I want. hee hee. So, go check out all my pictures and stuff. Well, thats all I feel like putting here now.
-Here's a Jaimie Philosophical insight that everyone should know
-Never be afraid to do something unusual. Acceptance from oneself is much more important than acceptance from others. When you're on your deathbed, the only person you'll have to face is yourself. A good question to ask oneself when making a decision is... "when I'm about to die, which choice will I wish I had chosen."
Well, I've moved to Cape Cod. North Truro actually. About 5 miles from Provincetown, and the end of the earth (on this continent). The land is only about 100m wide where I live, so if I walk a little to the east, I can see the sun rise over the ocean. If I go down the hill to the west, I can see the sun set over the bay... and just make out a few towers 50 miles across the water in Boston. Although the summer packs this place with tourists to the point of wanting to run through the streets with a machete just to get rid of them, the winters are empty. Well, empty of humans that is. I find that a lack of humans promotes an abundance of so many other things I love. :) Every morning I run 5 or 10 miles on the windy cold beach.... sometimes in the water if the tide is high. Its amazing the hardships one can become comfortable in when not given the choice. (It can be argued that I do have a choice, but... I'd rather die than be bored, and adventures are always more fulfilling when they are painful). I swim in the indoor pool that is in "my" house after running. That is the only time I can, since I haven't turned on the heat in it. I say my house, but 'tis only for the winter. Its real owner returns in the summer. I'll have to repay her kindness somehow. Maybe... make her a solar heater for her pool.
a Jaimie Philosophical insight that everyone should know
-Everyone has problems. White people have problems, black people have problems, rich people, poor people, stupid people, smart people, jerks, nice people, even the person you see who seems to coast through life effortlessly has problems. The important thing in life is how you deal with those problems and who you blame. Blame no one. Your problems are your own. Dwelling on who's wronged you, and how someone else has it so much better than you never got anywhere in life. Be happy that you have what you have, and strive for what you don't. Take responsibility for more than you must, and do more than your share. so...
just remember... next time you think your problems are the biggest in the world... the person with the biggest problems is probably about to die alone, and forgotten. So, unless thats you... keep yourself in perspective. Stay calm, and do your best. :-) It'll make you feel amazing, and it'll pay off more and more.
Just about every week I bike to the farmers market... about a 2 hour trip including shopping.... so... I go on Friday... aw, such nice weather... gettin the muscles working... feeling great!
I get there really fast as usual cuz I'm not carrying anything yet. I get a bunch of vegetables and fruit at severely discounted prices compared to the grocery store... and I'm like, aw great. That'll about fill my back-pack. ....then I see the watermellons....
ok, I got one... and managed to get it all in my bag... and start my butt home at a slightly more liesurely pace since I have 50lbs of stuff on my back.
Cruising home... into the setting sun which is looking quite nice... and I can't help but here scotty saying my head... "She won't hold, Captain! The dilithium crystals are breakin' apart!" every time I go up a steep hill... of course the captain replies... "Then run them apart!!!"
So.... I'm about 3 miles from home, cruising along, enjoying the... everything.... when this guy on a $5000 road bike, rounds a bend onto the street right behind me. I was just slowing down to let a car go by, when the guy on the bike passes me, and mumbles something obnoxious that I found very annoying...
For a second, I looked at this jack-ass from behind... on his brand new bike and expensive slick biking shirt and shorts, and his shiney little silly helmet and top of the line shoes, and most of all... his a-hole little attitude of "move aside, little man. You obviously aren't a real cyclist"
I grinned, and rolled my eyes, and oh yes. You know where this is going... The fact of the matter is that I do actually have a pretty good road bike (even if its a little old), and despite my baggy shorts, huge backpack full of stuff, and ripped t-shirt... I AM a real athlete.
So... I get back up to speed, and pass him in the oh so annoying right beside you too close way that is just really annoying to anyone who hasn't actually raced. I considered saying something like.... please dont' get infront of me if you're going to go so slow.... but...
There was about 3 miles of straight road ahead of us for this retard to see me blow by him, and dissappear...
So, I silently passed him... and serously left him in my dust. I wish there was dust to get in his silly clothes. Maybe he'd look like he really did some work then! Oh... and he had a few friends ahead of him that he got to watch me blow by too. :)
So, what have we learned? No one passes Jaimie!
-Here's a Jaimie Philosophical insight that everyone should know
-Its not your clothes or your money or slick hip style that makes ya win... its your heart! So, move over, posers!
|--The other thing I made... which took up most of the last 2 weeks is a radio controlled... umm... cat kinda thing. It weighs about 20lbs due in large part to the big Lead Acid battery thats in it... and its mostly made out of those things ya screw into a wall and fit metal thingy's into to hold up shelves. Here, I'll get a picture so ya know what I'm talkin' about. Oh, and it has a wireless video camera so I can see where its goin' even if I'm not in the room. Here's some crappy pictures of it, I'm too lazy to take better ones right now...|
|-My plants are awsome! now that I have some little gardens I'm totally into the whoole growing plants thing. Geez, I'm itchy from the new soap I just used... it dried me out too much! ack! ok, I planted lots or orange seeds and apple seeds, and when one of them actually does something I'll take a picture. : ) My other plants are doin' great. I tkink I'm getting some beans on my bean plant. Is that beans? I tink so. heh heh|
My old shoes... eek! Soles worn right through
My new foot Jeeps, Skechers Sport Trail
My new Polar Bear feet, K-Swiss court
Here's my first garden... made a few months ago
Here's my new garden next to his window
Thats the bean plant on the left, garlic on the right, and apple seeds are in the middle